You won’t find a bigger Phil Lynott fan on the planet, but I have to say: I don’t like being rolled over or turned around, I’m not a fan of spinning until I hit the ground, and a cowboy’s life is assuredly not for me.

Are you kidding? You have to sleep on the ground and get up at the crack of fuck; you’re surrounded by 800-pound behemoths that urinate and defecate all day and all of the night; you’re responsible for driving a herd of these fucking things from Texas to Kansas City in like a fortnight; you’re expected to know how long a fortnight is; you spend the nights of that fortnight listening to some asshole play harmonica—no thank you!

And while I do spend a lot of time thinking about a certain female and prefacing statements I make with the exclamation, “Lord,” I’ll tell you what I don’t need: no coyote calls, no howling winds wailing, no getting took in Texas, no busting broncs for the rodeo, absolutely not!

In fact, the only thing I can think of that would be worse than being a cowboy is being a farmer. Either that, or a musician.

Dispatch 46
FBI lists "Joyggalos" as greatest growing gang threat facing America!

The FBI today released a report contending that the biggest threat facing the youth of America (and America in general) is the rising influence of a new gang who refer to themselves as "Joyggalos." The name derives from members' mad devotion to the music and teachings of Denver's post-punk three-piece band Joy Subtraction.

"A Joyggalo is someone who doesn't like the fact that, over the past forty years, rich people and their paid-off representatives have successfully redistributed the wealth of America from the bottom ninety percent of the population to the top ten percent," says one wild-eyed, undoubtedly communist, socialist, or fascist Joyggalo. "A Joyggalo is not afraid to parse political rhetoric, point out hypocrisy, and generally deride the compromised, money-driven nature of the current American political landscape," said another, even more wild-eyed Joyggalo.

"I cannot stress the seriousness of the threat that these Joyggalos pose to the very fabric of our society and collective well-being," stated Robert Swan Mueller III, the director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. "And that's why I'm devoting half of this year's FBI budget to the creation of the Joyggalo task force, a black ops entity answerable solely to myself, whose only mission will be the evisceration of this pernicious movement."

"If you doubt the seriousness of this threat," continued Mueller, "above is a picture of a Joyggalo, taken at an elementary school fundraiser, minutes before he went berserk and suggested that funding public schools through progressive taxation actually works. Thankfully he's since been shipped to Guantanamo."